Goodbye
by kflem
Summary: JJ is killed on the job. Emily grieves. AU! Character Death. [Change of Penname]


**A/N:** Was listening to a pretty sad song and this popped into my mind. Had to write it down, hope it turned out alright.

**Disclaimer:** I do not Criminal Minds nor anything affiliated with it.

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**Goodbye**

I don't know why they call it heartbreak – I swear every part of my body is broken too. I watched you fall to the ground and I just knew that no matter how much I begged you wouldn't jump up and shrug it off like you used to.

I ran to you.

I held you in my arms.

I told you over and over that we loved you.

I heard you say you loved us too.

I cried and cried that you had to hold on.

I watched you grimace in pain.

I heard you tell me to keep your son safe.

I saw you close your eyes for the final time.

I heard the sirens that would eventually bring the people that pried me away from you.

Five days later and all I ever heard was the sobbing of other people and the condolences that did nothing.

_'I'm sorry'_

_'You have our deepest sympathies'_

_'Sorry for your loss'_

_'If you need anything…please let us know'_

What to the expect me to say to that? How am I to answer that politely?

I think I surprised them when Morgan asked me if I needed anything. I was sick of it.

I nodded in thought and answered quite abruptly. 'Yeah I need something - I need JJ… so where the fuck is she?'

An awkward and surprised silence followed my reply. I think some of it had to do with my answer, and the most of it would probably be the fact that I hadn't actually spoken to anyone but your son since you left us. You know all I do is sit on the lounge and look out over the city. You loved the view. I need something that you loved.

I really don't know what to do. Your funeral was yesterday and, I must admit, it was a beautiful service and very respectful of your career. I refused to speak though, I know you probably would have wanted me to speak, but how do you speak about losing the one person who was your life, the only person to ever truly break down the barriers being a diplomats child taught you to build? You're my best friend, my sister, the most important person in my life (though at a tie with your little boy). I couldn't speak, sorry.

I refused even after your mother, your sister, your brother, your other brother, and then your father asked me. You deserve someone to speak about who wouldn't make a fool on themselves as they tried to put into words how much they love you and how much they miss you – I think I would have dampened your memory.

Your son took over for me. He stood up there and he stood proud. He spoke of how the mom who placed herself in danger every day to fight the "monsters" and keep people safe (especially him, according to his bedtime stories), the mom who loved him with everything she had, the mom who gave him his sorta aunts and uncles, because the real ones are so far away.

I'm proud that you had taught your values to that little boy - I have always wanted to kill the idiot who is his biological father, how he could leave someone as special as you, or even think about leaving that cute little boy, well I don't know but he sure is an idiot.

I didn't really want to go to the cemetery to see you leave completely but when our son took my hand and trusted me to take him to say goodbye, I knew I had to do it for him, and for me even if I thought I didn't need to.

We stood right at the front, the team just behind our shoulders. Your family sat opposite and thankfully never asked your son to let go of my hand. He was my only lifeline and I didn't want to give him up to quickly.

The priest did another good job at the cemetery and as you were lowered I broke down. Henry sat down next to me as I cried loudly and just held my hand before crawling onto my lap and hugging me tightly. No one said anything and when it was time to go, no one bothered helping us up. Your mom just kissed us both on the head and said everyone would be at your place.

We sat there for an hour as we both held each other and cried. It started raining after about half an hour but I couldn't leave you yet, and with him being five, I was surprised he understood that you have gone away for a long, long time.

Before we left I remembered when you and I promised each other that we wouldn't die on each other. It was a pretty stupid thing to promise. With our job, we knew there was no guarantee that it could be kept. But we still made it, we knew that sometimes the difference between dying and fighting to live could come down to if you had someone to live for. We both had each other to live for, and of course your son when he came along.

You didn't get the chance to have that choice. What I've been feeling has been confusing, if that makes sense – I know you would have understood if I tried to string words together to explain it to you - it's confusing but it hurts so much that you didn't get that last breath to see your son or say goodbye, but you didn't suffer and for that I'm grateful.

We walked to the car soaking wet and dripping. The meaning 'drowned rat' definitely fit in with us at that moment. As we road silently to your house I remembered when I bought the house next door anonymously so you didn't know until you walked over to welcome the new neighbour and see if they would be a problem, I remembered the look on your face as you saw me answer the door with Garcia standing behind me laughing, I remembered the look of pure joy on Henry's face as he heard the bark of three knew puppies; 'Vita' the German Shepherd, 'Amore' the Labrador Retriever and 'Risata' the Golden Retriever, I remembered the tough time I had explaining to you that we would teach these dogs how to be good and how to keep Henry safe, I remembered the look of happiness as I explained their names (Vita for Life, Amore for Love, and Risata for Laughter), and I remembered the whole afternoon as we all played with the puppies and had the most fun we'd had in a while.

We pulled up at your house, glancing only slightly at my place next door. All three of our dogs sat outside your door, still as statues. It was as if they were there to pay their respects too. I know Garcia had probably put them there for Henry and made them stay, but somewhere in my heart I knew that they were saddened by your death too.

Henry called them to follow him into the house, I nearly cracked a smile at the look that was on your face last time he tracked a muddy Henry, three muddy dogs, and a muddy me into your house. I followed him and our dogs through the house, ignoring the questioning looks from your family and the amused looks from the team, and then into the lounge room so we could play.

Vita lay down between me and Henry and everyone else, looking on, while we played, rolled around, and smiled with Amore and Risata.

Garcia smiled gently at us before coming to sit down with her godson and our dogs, Reid followed soon after but slowly as he's still skittish around them, Hotch and Rossi shrugged before joining the group, Morgan coming last after watching his closest family coming together again.

Henry looked at us all before curling up in my lap again talking to his Uncle Hotch about playing fetch later. Rossi smiled gently and ruffled up his hair as he and Reid started a conversation about the latest Comic-Con. For a little while it seemed as if everything was back to normal and we were just hanging out at your house like we did often.

But of course, not soon after we would see the obvious distress in Henry's eyes, so much like yours, and the obvious gap you've left in our lives.

That was seven years ago.

Now we've all grown. Henry's so big now; he was twelve a month ago. He is so much like you it's a little scary, but in a good way. I thank you for naming Garcia and I joint guardians if anything ever happened to you. I don't think I would have made it through the lasts years without Henry there.

You once said that you thought I'd make a good mother, I know I'm not his real mother but how am I at Henry's surrogate? I am trying my hardest to help him grow into a young man you'd be proud of.

I can see the gaps you've left in our lives. I can see the gaps on Christmas as presents are left unopened, I can see the gaps on Easter when chocolates are left to melt, reset and then go mouldy, birthdays are left with a cloud of guilt hanging over, holidays just aren't as fun as they should be, family photos always seem to have a gap where you should be; I can see the gaps in our normal days when things don't just seem to fit and flow smoothly.

You made sure any of your life insurance paid the house off and the rest was put in a trust fund for Henry's college education, but I'm sorry to tell you I went against your wishes and paid it all off so everything would go to Henry. I'm sorry if you don't agree but I want that boy to have his choice of life and I don't want him to have to fight to get away and then have three jobs to pay for housing with a scholarship covering it. If he wants to study in Miami, Rome, England, hell even Australia, I will make sure he can because I know you would have let him have that opportunity.

The dogs are all getting old now. I don't think they'll survive much longer. I promised we'd get some more, just in memory of you. He asks about you constantly and we try to answer all the questions and let him know his real Mom.

He laughed when he heard you were scared of the puppies when we first got them, he smiled when I told him that he was the one to get you to trust the dogs because they kept him safe, he cried when I told him that if we ever got anymore dogs then we'd name them Ricordi, Madre, and Sempre, for Remember, Mother, Always in Italian.

You will always be in our hearts. You really have no idea how much we love and miss you JJ.

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**A/N:** Please let me know what you think.


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